Number 33
by show.booth
Summary: What will become of Dir en grey in the near future?  Dir en grey with Yoshiki.   Drug use, lemons, and MxM pairings.  Now Complete!
1. Chapter 1

"33."

It was an innocent enough number. Simple, nice and round.

But for the members of Dir en grey, there was nothing more vile.

"Are you shitting me?" Kyo roared, slamming his hand down on the table.

"33." Die said slowly, rubbing his weary eyes.

Toshiya, the bassist of the band, dropped his forehead to the table without a word.

Shinya stared down at his hands, studying his huge opal ring as if it held all the answers.

Magazine still in hand, Kaoru leaped from his seat to pace to room. "Such bullshit." He murmured to himself. "Last year we were number 12 on the charts! Now, 33rd? Our album couldn't even break the top 30!"

It was Monday, January 7 2013. The album charts for the last 3 months were in and Dir en grey's last album Embalmed had failed to live up to last year's album.

Groaning, Toshiya picked himself up. "What the hell did we do that was so great last year?"

"World tour Toshiya, a fucking world tour!" Kyo yelled, glaring. "Remember Russia? Remember freezing your balls off in front of a packed crowed?"

"Oh…Right." Toshiya muttered, dropping his head back to the table

Kaoru threw the magazine across the room. "How on earth did we go from that, to this?"

Throwing himself back in his chair, Kaoru took a deep breath. "It's fine. We can recover. We just need to ask ourselves- what do we do from here?"

"Work on lives. Work on videos. Push CD sales. "Die said in a bored voice.

They all knew the drill. Kaoru had been chanting it to them all since last year's Ecstasy of Hell didn't meet his top 10 standards.

Die did his bit, preaching the album in interviews and playing until his fingers bled in lives. Now just walking into practice seemed award worthy.

Across the table, Shinya bit his lip to keep back his laughter. Die was right, but saying as much was sure to keep Kaoru pissed. They just need to nod and agree at the moment.

He was right, Die's comment set Kaoru off even more.

"If you know as much Die, why aren't you thinking of new ideas?" Kaoru asked bitterly.

Anger flashed through Die quickly. "I'm the one who suggested a cover album instead of the usual bullshit, if you remember!"

Kaoru laughed harshly. "Still going on about the fucking cover album idea huh? Cover albums are SHIT! It's for washed out assholes that don't have an original bone in their body!"

"Yeah! What the fuck are you trying to say anyway?" Kyo agreed quickly. He did, after all, write all but 3 of the songs on the last album.

"I'm just saying if the albums aren't selling like they use to, maybe it's time for a change." Die said, teeth clinched.

"I agree with Die." Toshiya said, head still down. "No offence guys. It's worth a try."

Snatching up his jacket, Kyo stomped to the door. "I'm gone. Fuck you guys. "

"Don't worry, he won't get far. He came with me." Toshiya said as Kyo slammed the door. He jiggled the keys in his pocket for effect.

Die laughed wearily. "He might buckle and take the bus. After all, were number 33 people now."

Sighing deeply, Kaoru began to gather his things. "Let's call it an early day. We can't practice without a vocalist, and I don't think anyone is even in the mood anymore. "

He left quietly, leaving the magazine forgotten on the floor. The last thing he wanted was it in his house. Sitting on his coffee table at home was the latest issue of Fresh Eats! magazine with his wife Kiko's shining face gracing the cover.

"I better get home too. I'm sure Mimaru could stand some help with Jun, he's walking now you know." Die said, grinning at his young son's antics.

Toshiya laughed and walked out the building with his friends. "I still have trouble believing you helped make such a cute kid."

Shinya laughed, but not at his friends playing joking. Kyo was sitting Indian style on the hood of Toshiya's prized sports car, shooting daggers at the man.

"Keys. Now." Kyo demanded as Toshiya neared.

Unlocking the car door, Toshiya slide in the passenger seat before tossing Kyo the keys. "Now now! Be nice!"

Shinya missed the flow of curses Kyo was spouting out by the slam of the driver's side door. His wave went unnoticed as Kyo sped off.

With a shrug, Shinya walked slowly to his own car. He wasn't in a huge rush to get back to his empty apartment, but he had little else to do. Practice usually didn't last 35 minutes.

He drove home slowly, running the day's events in his head. Embalmed was slow to sell from the start. Radio stations and music shows played a few tracks in the beginning, but newer bands took over fast.

Shinya knew from the beginning of the tour that the album would tank. Crowds were thin, thinner then when they were La:Sadies. Venues grew smaller, ticket prices dropped.

Shinya also knew they would soon be back out there. The mandatory breaks that Die had fought for would be forgotten.

He knew it wouldn't be a big 'tour', they would probably just stick to Japan and China. Kaoru wouldn't dream of anything like last year's massive tour right now.

Turning into his apartment's parking garage, Shinya started going over his tour to-do list. Call kennel, pay all bills, buy new drumsticks…

Kaoru still couldn't get over it, days later. All the years Dir en grey have been together, their albums never dipped below 15 on the charts.

Sitting in his home office, Kaoru browsed the band's message board.

It was a slap in the face, the fan's comments.

They heard this cd time and time again. They loved the band, but the music was growing stale. Their ego was showing in their songs, but not in a good way.

"Don't have to worry about egos anymore." Kaoru said out loud.

Clicking around the site, he found himself reading the band's history when it hit him.

They needed the help of the man who got their name out there in the first place.

Three days later, Kaoru called them all to his house 'to go over a few things'.

Shinya knew that this was it, the announcing of a quick tour to boost sales.

The men sat in Kaoru's large living room, waiting on an explanation.

"Ok guys, I've done a lot of thinking about this and I think the next best step for us would be to hire a producer." Kaoru said, clasping his hands together.

"Then hire one, god." Kyo answered. "Why call us up for this? It's all so boring."

Ignoring Kyo, Kaoru plowed on. "I want to hire on Yoshiki for a while."

Die was the first one to react. "Awesome!" he exclaimed. He was truly excited, if any two people could turn Dir en grey around it would be Kaoru and Yoshiki.

"Have you talked to him about this?" Toshiya asked from the couch. "Surely he is very busy…"

Kaoru bobbed his dark head. "I called him a few days ago, to let him think over the idea. "

That was a lie. Kaoru did indeed call Yoshiki a few days ago, but he had begged the older man to come immediately.

Smirking, Toshiya poked Shinya in the ribs. "Don't get your hopes up just yet then, Shinya."

Rolling his eyes, Shinya swatted away Toshiya's hand. He would never live down his once huge crush on fellow drummer Yoshiki.

It would be nice to see him, Shinya decided. But he wasn't giddy at the thought like he would have been years earlier. The band had last seen Yoshiki around two years prior. Shinya had a bit to much to drink at a dinner party Yoshiki threw and the pair kissed. No big deal.

Right now, all Shinya wanted was Dir en grey to sellout venues again.

"Alright then. Call him up, get this show on the road." Kyo concluded, headed towards Kaoru's kitchen. "Let's just do something."

"So were in agreement then? Everyone wants Yoshiki to help us out?" Kaoru asked, phone already out.

With everyone's agreement and a muffled growl from Kyo, Kaoru dialed up Yoshiki's number for the second time that week.

"Yoshiki? It's Dir en grey. When can you come?"

Yoshiki sat waiting in Dir en grey's private studio. Dir en grey's empty private studio, he corrected himself.

Kaoru was here, out discussing matters over the phone with his record label. Yoshiki was sure it wasn't a pleasant conversation.

Die was dropping his kid off at daycare.

Toshiya was going to pick up Kyo.

No word from Shinya yet.

Cursing, Yoshiki stood from his seat and walked to the nearby window.

The first practice he was sitting in since he got to Japan, and no one was here.

Anger building, Yoshiki pulled a crushed pack of cigarettes out his pocket.

He heard Kyo before he seen him, cursing vehemently at Toshiya, Yoshiki assumed. The pair burst through the door, paying little regard to their surroundings.

"For fuck sakes Kyo, it was time to wake up! Jesus Christ, get over it." Toshiya snarled, striding to his waiting bass.

Kyo snatched a bottle of water out the mini-fridge by the door. "You jumped on my freaking bed like a deranged child! Who in the hell does that?"

"You shouldn't have such a childishly small bed." Toshiya said sweetly, plucking at his bass.

Before Kyo could comment, Yoshiki cleared his throat, making himself known.

"I thought I was producing Dir en grey, not La:Sadies again."

Toshiya whipped his head up at the sound of Yoshiki's voice. "Yoshiki! Holy shit, I didn't know you were sitting in today!"

Laughing, Toshiya hugged Yoshiki. "Good to see you, you're looking hot these days!"

Now it was Yoshiki's turn to laugh. "Oh please. I'm a million years old compared to you guys."

"I would still bet that your bed never gets cold, eh Yoshiki?" Kyo joked, pumping Yoshiki's hand.

This time, Yoshiki couldn't keep the blush at bay, much to Kyo and Toshiya's amusement.

Die came in shortly after, followed closely by Kaoru. As everyone was sharing hugs and handshakes, Shinya slipped in quietly.

Out of the corner of his eye, Yoshiki caught a glimpse of copper. Standing up straighter, he held his breath and watched as Shinya strode over.

Had he always been so tall? Shinya's long legs looked perfect in the dark jeans that covered them, but Yoshiki remembered well how they looked in leather skirts.

Had his arms always been so toned, so sculpted? Yoshiki remembered Dir en grey's first major show, how Shinya's arms killed him afterwards. Now it looked like the man could drum for days without stopping.

The only thing that hasn't aged was Shinya's face. He looked just as Yoshiki remembered him. Beautiful high cheekbones, clear skin, full lips, eyes wide open.

"Yoshiki, it's good to see you again." Shinya said quietly, offering Yoshiki his hand.

That voice, smooth as glass, Yoshiki remembered when it was a bit higher.

Grinning, Yoshiki took Shinya's hand in his own and shook it gently. It was rough from drumming without gloves, but Yoshiki was sure his were rougher.

"Good to see you too Shinya."

Toshiya rolled his eyes and smirked knowingly at Kyo. "Let's get started!"

Slipping his hand away, Shinya smiled politely at Yoshiki before walking to his drums

His back burned with the intensity of Yoshiki's stare. Surely, his clothes were about to catch flame, burning him to dust. Grabbing up his drumsticks, Shinya squeezed them tightly for support. He sat down without flourish at his drums and waited.

He could sense Yoshiki nearby, but he refused to search around for him.

The smell of him- clear and crisp, like running water, like poured champagne danced around Shinya.

Oh this wasn't going to be easy, that much was already clear.

He should have just fucked Yoshiki back in LA all those years ago. Who cares if there was a room full of people and cameras just next door?

Now that longing was back. And he didn't even have the excuse of alcohol.

Gritting his teeth in frustration, Shinya pounded away at his drums, hoping the noise would block out his thoughts.


	2. Chapter 2

Yoshiki had been back in Japan for just two weeks, but Kaoru could already see the difference he was making with Dir en grey.

The press had caught wind of Yoshiki's involvement too.

Pictures of him around the band's studio have started popping up in the tabloids. Just yesterday a photo of Shinya and Yoshiki appeared, the two were sipping coffee at a café near the studio.

Apparently, Shinya had asked Yoshiki for a bit of help on drumming.

Kaoru didn't know what kind of help a seasoned drummer such as Shinya needed and he didn't ask.

With a quiet laugh, Kaoru sat up in his bed. He had slept in today, faking a headache to get out of some celebrity breakfast his wife was cooking for. He knew he would pay dearly later, but right now Kaoru didn't care.

Stretching his arms, Kaoru swung his legs over the edge of the bed, wincing at the frigid floor's bite.

Kiko was a fan of 'modern' décor, which meant to Kaoru ugly ass sculptures everywhere and a lack of rugs.

Slipping on a pair of wool socks, Kaoru padded to his kitchen to make coffee.

Two cups later he was lounging on his overstuffed sofa, absently picking at his guitar when Kiko walked in.

"Hey." Kaoru called out, twisting around to see his wife. "How was it? Anyone I know there?"

Kiko entered the living room, a flourish of sweet perfume and swishing skirt.

"I don't think so, it was mainly people in the movie business. "She answered.

Kaoru watched as Kiko whirled around the room, picking up sheet music. "You can't pick up after yourself?" she asked, snatching up Kaoru's coffee mug. Not waiting for an answer, Kiko stomped to the kitchen.

Groaning, Kaoru pulled himself up off the couch. Guitar in hand, he followed the sound of Kiko clashing around in the kitchen.

"I was going to pick up." He said, leaning against the bar.

Kiko rolled her eyes. "Sure Kaoru. I thought your head was hurting?"

"Certainly is now." He muttered, walking away.

After putting his guitar up, Kaoru went back to his bedroom to get dressed. He was sure if Kiko saw him still in his sweats again she would have something smart to say.

"Kaoru, can we talk?" Kiko called out.

Sighing, Kaoru resisted the urge to hang his head like a scolded child.

Kiko was sitting at the bar and to Kaoru's surprise, she was all smiles.

"Sit sit! I have some news."

Kaoru returned Kiko's smile slowly, sitting down next to his wife. "What is it?"

Taking a deep breath, Kiko handed Kaoru a thick bunch of papers. "Here, read this."

Laughing nervously, Kaoru unfolded the bundle. It took a minute for what he was reading to sneak in. "Lease agreement? Lease for what?" he asked, flipping through the papers.

"My own restaurant!" Kiko exclaimed "See is retiring, he's giving me, us, a discounted price if we sign now."

"This is discounted?" Kaoru asked in disbelieve, handing Kiko back the papers. "There is no way we could afford this right now Kiko. I'm sorry, but it can't happen."

Kaoru could see the anger flash in his wife's eyes, but she quickly pulled herself together. "I know it seems like a huge expense right now, but in the long run this is going to make us a lot of money!"

"Yeah? How long?" Kaoru asked

"About 5 years." Kiko asked quietly

Laughing, Kaoru stood from his barstool and grabbed his nearby jacket.

"There is no way Kiko, no way. Did you happen to forget that my band isn't making as much money these days? We have enough bills to worry about."

Kiko couldn't hold back her anger at this. "Of course I haven't forgotten. Jesus, you being home on the weekend is enough to remind me! That's why I want this, this restaurant is going to be what saves us from poverty!"

Kaoru stared down his wife. Her face was flushed with anger, her small frame shaking.

"I'm busting my ass to keep my band together, to keep our bills paid, to keep you happy, but Kiko, I'm not signing this lease. We can't afford it. That's the last I want to hear about it." Kaoru said slowly, unblinking.

Tugging on his jacket, Kaoru quickly made his way out the house without another word.

Halfway down the street, he dug his phone out his jacket pocket.

It was half past one in the afternoon and there was 3 inches of snow already on the ground, but he knew of 5 men that would drop everything to come to his aid.

Kaoru tried Kyo first, but after letting the phone ring ten times Kaoru had to scratch him off the list for now.

He kept walking, leather jacket zipped all the way to his chin for warmth.

Kaoru tried Shinya next, greatly relieved when his friend answered on the second ring. "Can you come pick me up? I'm about two blocks away from my house." Kaoru asked hurriedly.

"Of course, do you need to get back home?" Shinya asked.

"No no, I just…need to get away from there for a bit." He admitted. If it wasn't for the bitter cold, Kaoru would have been blushing right about now.

"Ok, I'll see you in a few minutes then." Shinya said simply.

One thing Kaoru loved about Shinya, he didn't snoop.

Twenty minutes later, Shinya scooped a frozen Kaoru up off the side of the road. "Get your exercise for the day?" he joked

Cranking up the heat, Kaoru cupped his hands around the vent. "I would have taken the car, but she had the keys."

Shinya chuckled. "To proud to ask for them back?"

"Oh you know it." Kaoru agreed.

Shinya grinned and shook his head at the older man's antics. "How bout I treat you to lunch then? Build back up your energy after your hike through the snow."

"I think I can handle that."

"Good! I think there is a ramen shop up ahead…" Shinya said, pleased.

Only when they were halfway through their meal did Shinya prod at Kaoru.

He opened up to Shinya, grateful to pour everything out now that he wasn't pissed and stuck in the snow.

"Am I wrong? I mean, we honestly can't afford it right now. "Kaoru said weakly.

"I think" Shinya began slowly "that you should have agreed to really discuss it once you got on sure footing."

Kaoru leaned back in his seat. "I guess so, but I'm just so mad that she would even bring that up right now! She knows that Dir en grey is on unsteady ground right now and that all my energy needs to be there."

"I understand, trust me I do, but I think just sitting down and promising to go over it again in the future would go far." Shinya said.

Kaoru thought about Shinya's idea for a minute, letting himself get use to it.

"You're right. How do you know so much about women all of the sudden?" Kaoru teased.

Shinya smirked. "It's not so much of a woman thing, just a relationship thing."

"Aah, I see. So, speaking of relationships, what are you and Yoshiki up to?" Kaoru asked tongue in cheek.

Shinya suddenly became very thirsty, taking a long gulp from his water.

"I'm not sure exactly. "He answered honestly.

The past week he and Yoshiki had deffinantly spent a lot of time together. Nothing serious, just dinners, drinks sometimes after practice.

But Shinya felt something building between them. Sexual tension, sexual longing…He knew something was about to happen, that was for sure.

"I think it's about to progress a bit." Shinya said vaguely.

Kaoru bit the inside of his cheek to keep from grinning.

Oh how he hoped things worked well for Shinya! The last relationship the younger man had been in just kind of fell apart, so Shinya said.

"Good! Now, how about you take my sorry ass back home? I think it's safe- Kiko had to be in for 'the lunch crowd' soon."

The next day, after a night of sleeping on the couch, Kaoru had to get up early to prepare for a live performance on a music show.

As he rushed to get ready, Kiko appeared from the bedroom. She was huddled in her thick robe, watching Kaoru from the hall archway.

"Have a minute to talk?" She asked.

"Not really. If I don't leave now I'm going to be late." Kaoru replied, snapping shut his guitar case.

Without another word, Kaoru rushed out the front door.

At the television studio, during the chaos of having his hair and makeup done, Kaoru didn't notice his other band members.

"Kaoru."

He looked up to see Yoshiki standing over him.

"Yes?" Kaoru asked, dreading the worse. He knew Yoshiki called in a few favors to get them on the show, he thought now they were being asked to leave. A change of heart, a change to a top ten band.

"Your band members are nervous." Yoshiki said.

Kaoru laughed with relief. "They will be fine. We have played bigger shows then this without a problem."

Yoshiki muttered his agreement. "Yes, but not under these circumstances."

Kaoru studied his friends curiously.

Kyo fidgeted in his chair, sneering at the makeup artist hovering above him. Toshiya was crouched beside him, cursing at the boots he was trying to lace up.

Shinya was perched on a worn sofa beside Die, tapping out the rhythm to a song on his knee.

Die had his eyes closed, fiddling with the guitar in his lap.

No one was joking around, no one was laughing.

Kaoru swatted away his hairstylist and stood up.

He cleared his throat and waited until he had their attention before going on. "Guys, we all know that this show is an important mile stone for the bands recovery. We just need to go out there and remind them who the fuck we are!"

Toshiya laughed heartily. "Were Dir en grey damnit!" he shouted

Kyo elbowed Toshiya in the head smartly. "No shit, now stop laughing. You sound like a dying donkey."

Scowling, Toshiya rubbed his head while the people around him erupted in laughter.

"Five minutes!" a chipper voice called out.

"Here we go! Let's do this!" Kaoru bellowed.

Seeing his friends get pumped made him shelve his fears, for now.

He knew he was right; they could do a two song set on some stupid TV show with their eyes closed. They have been doing this stuff for years, after all.

As the filed out the room, Die grinned at him. "Nice pep talk there, 'leader-sama' "

Kaoru snorted at the title. "Let's just show em we aren't dead yet, eh?"

By the time the show and interview afterwards were over, it was already dark out.

"Oh man, I'm dead tired." Die said, stretching out his arms.

He was out in the parking lot with most of the members of Dir en grey.

Yoshiki was driving Shinya back home, but Die had the seeking suspicion he wouldn't be in a rush to leave. Even he had noticed how Yoshiki stared at Shinya while he was on stage today.

"Wimp!" Toshiya called out. "We only played two songs, come on!"

"Hey man, I was up with a cranky one year old half the night! Cut me some slack!" Die retorted, searching for his keys. "I gotta go relieve Mimaru anyways, see you guys later."

As he pulled out the parking lot, Die felt ashamed that he had lied to his friend's face. Heading home wasn't even remotely on his mind.

Die was heading over to watch his buddies of Beyond Earth practice, and to discuss Die's future.

Gripping the steering wheel, he focused on the road.

Back in the parking lot, Toshiya was still trying to convince the others to go out with him.

"So! Now that father of the year is gone, how about we go out to celebrate our fantastic selves?" Toshiya offered.

"No way I'm in. I'm headed home to get ignored by Kiko." Kaoru groaned.

"Come on Kaoru! You haven't gone out with us in so long!" Toshiya whined, hands on hips.

"You're such a queen Toshiya." Kyo said easily, exhaling cigarette smoke.

Rolling his eyes, Toshiya saluted Kyo with a choice finger.

"Maybe next time, I hope. Don't stay out to long though, we have a show tomorrow night!" Kaoru called, already walking to his car.

That left Shinya and Yoshiki. "Come on Shinya, don't leave me with just Kyo."

Shinya hesitated. He wanted to have a quiet dinner with Yoshiki, maybe share a bottle of wine.

"Ah, you're thinking about it! That's enough for me! Now, go tell your mister to meet us at that old abandon warehouse near the Yellow Spring Park. It's supposedly a really cool club now. "

Laughing, Shinya went to go tell Yoshiki that they would be spending their evening in an old paper storage warehouse.

"So what makes you think I want to go with you?" Kyo asked Toshiya, tossing his cigarette butt.

"Let me count the reasons." Toshiya began, climbing into Kyo's car.

"Save me. " Kyo sighed, cranking up his car. "I'll go, but I ain't dancing."

"We will see." Toshiya sang.

It was about two hours in before Toshiya noticed how much Kyo was drinking.

"Since when did you drink so much?" he asked, cocktail in his own hand.

Kyo tapped his foot to the beat of the techno song blaring. "Since I got here. Now, shut up and go buy me another vodka rocks."

Toshiya wagged his finger at Kyo. "Oh Kaoru is gonna be mad at you tomorrow!"

Laughing, he swaggered off to the bar. "I need a vodka rocks and another rum and coke please." Toshiya called out over the noise.

He leaned against the bar as he waited for the drinks, watching the swarm of bodies before him.

Yoshiki's presences with Shinya had caused a stir, but so far everyone in the club was trying to play it cool.

He caught sight of the two every so often, dancing closely, laughing together.

Sighing, Toshiya suddenly felt overcome with loneliness. Trying to shake it off, he took his drinks from the bartender. Right now wasn't the time for pity, he decided.

Tossing a few bills on the bar, Toshiya weaved his way back to Kyo.

He was greeted by an empty table. With a huff, Toshiya slide into one of the hard chairs. Maybe tonight was the night for pity.

It didn't take long for him to spot Kyo despite the crowds. He was dancing after all, although it wasn't with anyone Toshiya knew.

Sneering, he sipped at his drink, eyes never leaving the pair.

At the other end of the club, Shinya was having a much better time than Toshiya.

As one song ended, Shinya braced his hand against Yoshiki's chest. "Break!" he demanded. He didn't know Yoshiki could dance so well!

Slightly winded, Shinya grabbed Yoshiki's hand and pulled him to an empty table.

"Break already? I'm surprised at you!" Yoshiki laughed.

Shinya snorted, turning in his seat to waving down a server. "Oh you know those old bones of yours are screaming."

Yoshiki laughed heartily. "I admit nothing."

He wasn't upset in the slightest. The chance to sit gave Yoshiki a moment to study Shinya.

His cheeks were flushed, his skin dewy with sweat from their dancing. The work the hairstylist did hours ago to Shinya's hair was long gone. His long copper locks where now falling loose from the complicated up-do of earlier.

Shinya turned forward in his seat to ask him something, but Yoshiki wasn't listening.

He was too busy noticing how bright Shinya's eyes were, how the night's excitement had lightened them so.

"Yoshiki, beer?" he asked.

Dumbly, Yoshiki nodded. When the server left, Shinya leaned in closer. "You ok? Not having a heart attack on me are you?"

Yoshiki wondered how Shinya managed to still smell like lavender after dancing hours straight. "I was just thinking how amazing you look right now."

Shinya rolled his eyes and tried to play off Yoshiki's compliment. "Oh please. My hair and makeup is shot, I'm sweating like a pig…"

Yoshiki cut him off. "Don't play coy, we both know you don't have a shy bone in your sexy little body. Now, how about we go to your place for something long overdue?"

Shinya didn't think twice. He stood quickly, tugging on his coat.

Taking Shinya by the elbow, Yoshiki pulled him in close. Without a word, Yoshiki crushed his lips onto Shinya's

It only lasted a few seconds, but it was long enough to drive Shinya wild.

He tasted just as Shinya remembered, like warm scotch and a hint of tobacco. Warm, addicting.

Yoshiki suppressed a shutter, but just barely. Shinya deepened the kiss, tongue sweeping over Yoshiki's.

When they broke apart, they were panting. It took all of Yoshiki's self-control not to take Shinya right there. Luckily, he spoke up before Yoshiki could act.

"Let's go." Shinya whispered, breathless. Grinning, Yoshiki took Shinya's hand and led the way to the door.

"So you in?"

Kyo snorted. "But it's so old. Who takes ecstasy anymore?"

His dance partner just smiled. "You'll love it, I promise. You feel fucking amazing the first time."

Still dancing, Kyo held out his hand. "If you say so."

The other man laughed and discreetly handed Kyo three small pills. "One at a time ok? Come find me when it hits."

Kyo watched as he disappeared into the crowd, pills heavy in his hand.

What harm could one do? Life was already shitty enough, taking drugs from strange men seemed to fit right in.

Couples bumped into him, pushing him roughly to and fro. He walked to the edge of the dance floor and quickly swallowed one down dry.

No turning back now, he thought. Heart racing, Kyo went to find Toshiya.

"I think you should set up a formal interview with them, flesh out some details." Mimaru murmured.

Die was miles away from his band mates, his wife nuzzled up close as they lay awake in bed.

"They want me to start on now, the sooner the better. " Die said, mostly to himself.

He had left Beyond Earth's studio more torn then when he went in.

Die loved their sound, indie rock with a nice peppering of slower songs.

"Well I think that's a good sign babe!" Mimaru laughed.

Die agreed, but kept quiet.

He wanted this, he wanted the flexible schedule, the toned down music.

It was all better for him and his family that he knew.

But he wouldn't be doing what he loved with his friends. He couldn't imagine playing a concert without them surrounding him.

Rai, the bassist and his good friend, was great. Die and Mimaru often had Rai and his family over for dinner. They would stay for hours, eating and laughing.

As for the three remaining members, Die didn't know them at all.

Die said as much to Mimaru, running his hand over her bare back.

"You'll get to know them, it's just going to take time. Besides, no one is rushing you Die. This is your decision and I'm totally behind you." Mimaru said, pecking Die on the cheek.

Die smiled happily. "I love you Mimaru. Now, how about we busy ourselves with other matters?"

Giggling, Mimaru was happy to oblige. "I think I can handle that." She said, climbing on top of Die.

Toshiya had finally found Kyo.

He had gotten kicked out of the club for trying to climb up the fire escape ladder. Apparently he wanted to go up to the roof to 'kiss God'.

Toshiya strapped him in the backseat and took off before the cops or press was called.

He had brought them to Kyo's house, it being closer.

Toshiya was now in the process of holding Kyo under an icy shower in an attempt to sober him up.

Ignoring Kyo's screeching, Toshiya kept a firm grip on his arm. "I can't believe you Kyo! What has gotten into you?" he scolded, grabbing a towel with his free hand.

"I'm never going out with you again if this is how you handle your alcohol! You just wait until I tell the others, you will never live this down."

Toshiya toweled Kyo off roughly before plunking him down on the closed toilet. "You sit here while I go find you something to wear." He demanded.

He gathered up Kyo's pants and shirt, leaving the man shivering in nothing but his boxers.

"Kiss God…" Toshiya grumbled to himself. Deciding Kyo could wait a bit, Toshiya busied himself with emptying out his pants pockets.

That's when he found them, two pale green pills with a faded heart stamped on them.

"Oh for fucks sakes!" he groaned. Clutching the pills, Toshiya stomped back to the bathroom.

Swinging open the door, he glared at Kyo. "Where in the hell did you get ecstasy?"

Kyo just blinked at him stupidly, wiggling his toes. "They are melting."

"That's wonderful, just wonderful." Toshiya spat out.

Leaving Kyo once again, he ripped open a dresser drawer in Kyo's bedroom. Toshiya snatched up the first shirt he found and marched back to Kyo.

"Arms up." He demanded curtly.

Kyo raised his arms, giggling madly. "I'm a puddle, Toshiya. I'm dripping down the drain, into the dirt."

Toshiya pulled the shirt over Kyo's head, feeding his arms though. "That's your hair, it's dripping from the shower."

Once Kyo was up, Toshiya tossed the remaining pills into the toilet and flushed.

"So you do ecstasy now, is that it?" Toshiya asked. Not waiting for an answer, he pushed Kyo back down onto the toilet.

"Can I leave here?" Kyo asked, leaning against the toilet tank.

Toshiya shook his head. "No way, I'm not cleaning up any puke or shit. You're staying put. "

Kyo smiled serenely. "Of course. I'll just stay here and be beautiful dirt."

Toshiya scoffed as Kyo began to sing. "Wrong song Puddles. You're singing Glass Skin, God."

Kyo continued to spew randomly lyrics, singing in a high pitched voice.

"You're being so freaking annoying." Toshiya spat out.

They sat in Kyo's bathroom for hours, Toshiya only getting up for bottles of water and coffee. Kyo never puked, but pissed for ages at one point.

Toshiya watched him closely. Kyo seems content to sit on the toilet all night, humming to himself. Sometimes he would comment on something that happened years ago or something that was just happening in his head.

All in all, it was a long night for Toshiya.

He was just nodding off, head against his arms, when Kyo stumbled off the toilet. "Move." Kyo demanded voice like gravel.

"Your high wear off?" Toshiya asked, voice dripping sarcasm.

Kyo cursed violently. "I swear to fucking God if you don't move I will stomp your ass."

Wearily, Toshiya stood up to let Kyo through. He figured if Kyo was sober enough to threaten him, he was back to normal.

Rubbing his back, Toshiya tip-toed quietly into Kyo's room to check up on him.

Kyo was face down on his unmade bed, already sleeping. The t-shirt Toshiya had given him to wear had ridden up enough to show off the swell of Kyo's ass. With Kyo safely asleep, Toshiya took a moment to admire it before heading to the futon in the living room.


	3. Chapter 3

The day after their performance on TV wasn't going good for the majority of Dir en grey.  
>Kaoru had suffered through his second night of sleeping on the couch. It wouldn't have been so bad if the heat was left on, or the linen closet wasn't mysteriously empty of blankets.<br>Kiko was nice enough to wake him up at dawn to see if he wanted coffee before she left though.  
>So Kaoru had been up since then, fretting over their upcoming show that night. He drank cup after cup of coffee, washing them down with half a pack of cigarettes as he paced the living room floor.<br>Toshiya slept like crap on Kyo's tiny futon, he tossed and turned for hours on end. Eventually he gathered up his blankets and went to sleep beside Kyo.  
>After that, Toshiya slept like a baby, lulled into a dreamless sleep by Kyo's slow breathing.<br>Meanwhile Shinya also was up for half the night, but his time awake was much more enjoyed than Toshiya's.  
>He smiled and snuggled down deeper into his thick white comforter.<br>The only down side was he was waking up alone. Yoshiki had some business of his own to take of today and had to leave early. He left Shinya with a scorching kiss and promises of calls later.  
>Stretching, Shinya climbed out of his large bed gingerly. His marathon night of sex had deffinantly taken its toll on his body, not that he would ever complain.<br>Shinya moved slowly to his adjacent bathroom and started the water for a hot shower.  
>He could still feel Yoshiki pressed against him, his rough hands roaming his body freely. How he seemed to already know where Shinya was most sensitive, teasing him until Shinya was begging him for more.<br>Closing his eyes, he let the hot water massage his back.  
>Shinya let his hands travel down his chest, down the same path Yoshiki had taken.<br>He remembered Yoshiki's mouth, working him until he exploded. How his own fingers knotted themselves in Yoshiki's silken hair.  
>Shinya sucked in a quick breath and pumped hard at himself.<br>Yoshiki's teeth at his nipples, his nails cutting into Shinya' hips, the look in his eyes when he came.  
>Shinya pressed his head against the tile and came hard into his hand.<br>Washing his hands, he quickly got out of the shower and wrapped a towel around his hips.  
>Checking his phone, he seen Yoshiki sent him a 'good morning' text.<br>Shinya grinned. If only he knew.

The day passed quickly and soon it was time for a quick practice before the night's show.  
>Toshiya was freaking out.<br>He had spent all day at Kyo's apartment, waiting for him to wake. The problem was Kyo never fully awoke.  
>Once he got up to pee, but didn't respond to anything Toshiya said.<br>Now practice was less than an hour away and Kyo was still knocked out.  
>Toshiya paced Kyo's bedroom, kicking clothes out the way as he walked. He idly planned to set a date to come over and force Kyo to help him clean.<br>"God, wake up Kyo!" Toshiya yelled, kicking the bedframe.  
>Kyo rolled over, pulling the blanket over his head.<br>"Oh no you don't" Toshiya scolded, ripping the coverings off the bed.  
>Throwing the blankets down, he glared down at Kyo. "I'm calling Kaoru. You better wake up or he is gonna have your ass."<br>"Jealous?" Kyo snapped, rolling onto his back. Grunting, he slowly sat up in bed. "God my head hurts."  
>"Take something and let's go! We can't miss this practice. "Toshiya said, rooting through the closet. "Put on these pants and get up."<br>Kyo caught the pants Toshiya threw at his head. "I don't like these."  
>"Do I give a fuck? Holy shit, it's not a fashion show. "Toshiya exploded. "Five minutes, or I'm dragging you to the car." He said, leaving the room.<br>"Fuck me." Kyo groaned, rubbing his eyes. His head was pounding, his mouth felt like a desert.  
>Stumbling out of bed, he clutched the walls as he walked to the bathroom.<br>As bad as he felt, Kyo looked that much worse. His hair was matted, sticky from products and spilled vodka. His eyes were puffy and bloodshot, eyeliner smudged all over his face.  
>Kyo touched his face gingerly with the tips of his fingers. His right cheek was sore and swollen slightly; Kyo figured he must have busted his ass sometime last night.<br>Quickly, he washed his face and rinsed out his mouth. After downing three aspirin and tugging on pants, Kyo went to meet Toshiya in his kitchen.  
>"Let's go. "<br>They drove to rehearsal in silence-Kyo laid back in the passenger seat, Toshiya worrying in the driver's.

The next hour was hell for Kyo.  
>His head felt like it was about to explode, pulse throbbing in his temple. Shinya's drumming could be felt in his head, in his veins.<br>He snarled out lyrics, rushing though songs.  
>Today, Kyo didn't give a shit.<br>All he wanted was to down gallons of water and aspirin, and go sleep for the rest of the weekend.  
>Kaoru had spent his time rotating between playing guitar and screaming at Kyo. Although Kyo did his fair share of yelling back, he knew he deserved every curse.<br>Finally Kaoru shoved his guitar back onto the holder and stomped out the room. "Time to go." he snarled.  
>Quickly the other members followed Kaoru and a flurry of studio hands outside to a waiting shuttle bus.<br>"I can't believe him. " Kaoru hissed to Die.  
>Die stretched his legs out and reclined back in the chair across the aisle from Kaoru. "He looks like hell." He commented, fiddling with his phone. He wasn't surprised at Kyo's actions, or lack thereof. Just another reason to think about moving on, Die thought grimly.<br>"Because he stayed out all night and got fucked up, just like I knew would happen!" Kaoru exclaimed. "Today of all days he just checks out. Unreal."  
>As Kaoru fumed in the front of the bus, Kyo was trying to sleep in the back. Unfortunately for him, Toshiya was sitting in front of him.<br>"You ok?" Toshiya murmured, turning in his seat. He peered back at Kyo, watching his dark head bob against the headrest.  
>"Just very, very tired. "Kyo answered.<br>Toshiya frowned and gnawed at his lip. "Is this normal?"  
>Groaning, Kyo flung his arm over his eyes. "No clue. Please Toshiya, just let me sleep."<br>Sighing quietly, Toshiya turned around in his seat. He debated with himself whether he should go tell someone about Kyo's illness.  
>He knew how both Kyo and Kaoru would react. The men would tear into each other and the show tonight would be a disaster.<br>So Toshiya sat with his head turned just so and watched Kyo out of the corner of his eye. He reassured himself that if Kyo started to act weird in any other way, he would go talk to Kaoru.  
>Shinya watched Toshiya watching Kyo. He didn't know what happened with the two last night, but something was different.<br>Kyo was hard to read today, but Toshiya…Toshiya seemed softer, more closed in with his worry.  
>Shinya would normally worry about Toshiya since Kyo wasn't the type of man to humor petty crushes. But Toshiya was tough, and he knew what he was dealing with when it came to Kyo.<br>Putting Toshiya's love life out his mind, Shinya focused on his own with a quick phone call to Yoshiki.  
>Two rings later, Yoshiki answered Shinya's call with a warm hello.<br>Shinya smiled. "Hello yourself. What are you up to?"  
>"About to go eat a long boring dinner with some equity boring people. I missed you this morning."<br>Shinya's smiled stretched, his cheeks tingling. "I might be able to say the same."  
>The talk was easy, light, just what Shinya needed to ease his mind. He felt refreshed after talking to Yoshiki, ready to put his all into the night's performance.<br>"What are you grinning about?" Die called out to Shinya.  
>Shinya laughed and pocketed his phone. "Nothing, never you mind!"<br>Die scoffed and shook his head. "Nothing my ass, look at you blushing!"  
>"Oh leave him alone Die, it's his fantasy come true!" Toshiya teased.<br>Shinya endured his friend's teasing with a smile. "I'm just, enjoying myself." he said.  
>Toshiya burst out laughing. "I bet!"<br>Laughing, Shinya slipped in his earphones. "That too."  
>At that Die and Toshiya roared with laughter, even Kaoru chuckled.<br>"Shinya Shinya." Die tittered. "Just don't tell me the details."

Final song. Obscure. He could do this.  
>Kyo screamed into the microphone clutched in his hands, sweat dripping into his eyes.<br>He just wanted it to be over. He didn't care about the song, he didn't care about the music, he just wanted this night to end.  
>Tossing his head violently, Kyo spat out the bile that filled his mouth.<br>He needed air, his sweat slick skin begged for it.  
>With a shaking hand, he ripped off his already tattered shirt, much to the fans delight.<br>Drawing in a ragged breath, Kyo sang out the chorus, eyes clamped shut.  
>Out, he needed out.<br>Slowly, Kyo reached into the back pocket of his tight jeans and pulled out a razorblade.  
>Release.<br>Toshiya stood at Kyo's left, just on the sidelines. He had been watching Kyo extra close during the show, so he was the first band member to notice the razorblade's appearance.  
>Heart racing, Toshiya hugged his bass tighter and moved closer to Kyo.<br>Kyo rarely used the blade these days, to which Toshiya was grateful. He never admitted to any of the others how the sight of Kyo's blood made his stomach turn.  
>Toshiya winced and dropped his head as Kyo tore into his arm. He resisted the urge to leap across the stage and snatch away the blade, but just barely.<br>Instead, Toshiya hung back and watched as Kyo threw his head up to the celling, smiling manically. The crowd shrieked with delight, convulsing wildly.  
>The song ending, Kyo dropped the blood slick razor and spewed his heart into the microphone.<br>Letting the mike slide to the ground, Kyo stumbled through the darkness, trying to find his way backstage.  
>As the crowd screamed for more, Toshiya raced after Kyo.<br>Bass still strapped to his chest, he waved off the stagehand's help. "Where is Kyo?" Toshiya demanded.  
>Not waiting for an answer, Toshiya jogged through narrow corridors, bass digging into his shoulder.<br>"Kyo, where the fuck are you?" he shouted.  
>"Stop stalking me."<br>Toshiya whirled around. There he was, slumped in a folding chair clutching a bandana to his forearm. He exhaled with relief, shoulders sagging.  
>"You wish. How's the arm?" Toshiya asked. Quickly, he laid his bass aside to kneel by Kyo.<br>"It's fine, let me rest." Kyo whispered hoarsely.  
>Swiftly, Toshiya moved the bandana aside. The cut Kyo was covering was deep, flowering open grotesquely.<br>With a curse, he covered the wound back up with the sopping bandana. "Gonna need some treatment." Toshiya said gruffly  
>"I know." Kyo groaned. "Help me up, I'm injured."<br>Taking Kyo's good arm, Toshiya helped him to his feet. Heart in his throat, Toshiya bit his lip to keep from lecturing Kyo.  
>"Let's go find someone to help us." He said to himself.<br>Leaning heavily on Toshiya, Kyo nodded his head. "Lead the way." He muttered, lighting up a cigarette.  
>They heard Kaoru before they spotted him, and he didn't sound happy.<br>"I'm sure this will brighten his day even more." Kyo chided.  
>Ignoring Kyo, Toshiya tugged him along. Rounding the corner, they were both surprised to see the person Kaoru was yelling at was Die.<br>"You can't pick and choose, Die. You are either with us until the bitter end, or you aren't at all. It's that simple." Kaoru spat out.  
>Die scoffed. "This is the bitter end Kaoru! Are you so blind that you can't see that? I got to think about my family's future, not just mine."<br>Kaoru took a deep breath as if to steady himself. "Then you need to stop pulling everyone along while you 'think'. I won't have it."  
>Die smacked down what appeared to be a magazine on a nearby chair and left without another word.<br>"We need a ride to the hospital." Toshiya announced quickly.  
>Groaning loudly, Kaoru turned to face the pair.<br>"Let me get my coat." He said wearily.

"Seven stiches. That a new record for you?"  
>Kyo scoffed at Toshiya with mock disgust. "By far! My record is a whopping ten, thank you very much."<br>They were in the hotel room, along with Shinya. The three men lay in the small living area, takeout containers littering the floor.  
>"So what do you guys think about this Die thing?" Shinya asked.<br>In a Toshiya move, he grabbed the magazine Die tossed down before they left for the hospital.  
>In it was a vivid picture of Die walking out of the popular indie band Beyond Earth's studio, and two smaller ones of a very intense looking lunch with Die and the other men.<br>The headline screamed out that Die was leaving Dir en grey, Beyond Earth elated.  
>"He is deffinantly hunting around." Toshiya said sagely. "After that scene tonight, I think that's clear."<br>Kyo nodded. "And I guess I was the topper, eh?"  
>"Probably." Shinya agreed after a beat.<br>Laughing, Kyo picked up a nearby carton of mixed vegetables. "Thanks for the vote of confidence there Shinya." He said, mouth full.  
>They could joke about it, but they all knew if Die left that would be the final straw for the band.<br>Shinya wondered if Kaoru might be just a little jealous that Die had a plan B, he kinda was himself.  
>Polishing off the veggies, Kyo stood up with a grunt. "Imma go shower. When I get out, I'm going to bed so you two better be scarce."<br>"Don't get your arm wet!" Toshiya called to deaf ears.  
>Once Kyo was out of the room, Shinya didn't waste any time digging into Toshiya.<br>"You and Kyo dating now?" he asked, stretching out on the plush carpet.  
>Toshiya didn't bat an eye. "No, but I think it's about time we started."<br>Nodding his agreement, Shinya flexed his fingers absently. "About time."  
>Toshiya grinned and rolled onto his side. "Yeah, I think so. What about you and Yoshiki? What's happening there?"<br>"I'm not sure. I like him. He likes me. We are enjoying each other's company. I'm not sure if it's going to really amount to much though."  
>Toshiya choked back a laugh. "I guess we will see then?"<br>"Yeap." Shinya said simply.  
>He knew what the romantic in Toshiya was thinking. That he and Yoshiki would soon profess their love for each other, Yoshiki would move to Japan to live with Shinya, and they would live happily ever after raising mini Chihuahuas.<br>Truth is, the pair led their own busy lives and long term relationships just didn't fit the bill. For now, they were just enjoying themselves.  
>Shinya frowned up at the high ceiling. It sounded simple enough, but…<br>"Wondering what's gonna happen when that isn't enough, huh?"  
>Shinya rolled his eyes. "When you bag Kyo, then you can give me advice."<br>Toshiya laughed heartily. "Soon enough then!"  
>"I'm sure you're right." Shinya agreed.<br>Hearing the water cut off, he stood up and stretched. "I'm going to bed. You two have fun." Shinya joked.  
>"Be sure to call Yoshiki and tell him goodnight!" Toshiya called after Shinya.<br>Chuckling to himself, Toshiya massaged his sore arms as he lay on the floor.  
>"Slumber party is over. Shoo." Kyo demanded.<br>Toshiya stared up at Kyo, mouth agape. "Were doing the room sharing thing again, remember?" he said slowly.  
>Kyo stood above him, mopping his hair with a towel. His sinewy arms working at his dark hair, eyes closed in concentration.<br>Beads of water dripped down his tattooed chest, disappearing into the waistband of the baggy sweatpants slung on his narrow hips.  
>Kyo gave a grunt and dropped his towel. "Will you help me change this? I got it wet." He said, motioning to his arm.<br>"Sure, sit." Toshiya said. He grabbed the bag of extra bandages and ointments the hospital sent with Kyo and sat on the edge of the bed.  
>"Ok, time to be nurse Toshiya!" Toshiya exclaimed brightly.<br>Kyo sneered but remained quiet as Toshiya went to work. He had to admit that Toshiya was being a lot gentler then the grumpy nurse he encountered earlier.  
>Peeling back Kyo's spoiled bandage, Toshiya whistled lowly. With the addition of black stiches, the cut was swollen and puckered angrily.<br>"Ok, now we use the cream…"Toshiya narrated.  
>Feather light, he rubbed the ointment on Kyo's cut. Though Kyo didn't protest, Toshiya felt him tense up. "You ok?" he asked quietly.<br>"Never better." Kyo said softly.  
>He didn't trust himself to say more. The feeling of Toshiya's calloused fingers gently, ever so gently, on his aching forearm made him want to curl up and never leave.<br>"There, all done." Toshiya stated, taping the bandage in place. He let his fingers slide down to Kyo's wrist before dropping away. "Feel better?"  
>Kyo was so close if he just tilted his head a little more, their lips would brush and nothing would ever be the same.<br>Toshiya could smell his shampoo, some light citrusy affair. He could feel Kyo's warm breath brushing the top of his hair, making him break out in goose bumps.  
>Kyo stared down unblinking at Toshiya, eyes unreadable. With a steady hand, he tucked a strain of Toshiya's rich hair behind his ear. He marveled at the way his hair flowed, like a river at night.<br>Clearing his throat, he flopped his hand unceremoniously into his lap.  
>"Yeah, thanks Toshiya." Kyo said. He waited a beat before standing, awkwardly moving around Toshiya. "I'm gonna go to bed I guess. Busy day tomorrow."<br>Toshiya agreed quietly and pulled the blankets back on his own bed. "Goodnight Kyo."  
>He turned his back to Kyo's bed and stared at the drab wall.<br>What just happened? Toshiya was certain that Kyo was going to kiss him. Frustrated, he pounded his pillow flat and laid down in a huff.  
>Looks like he wouldn't be gloating to Shinya tomorrow, at least.<br>On the other side of the room, Kyo stared up at celling.  
>Today just wasn't the day.<p> 


	4. Chapter 4

After a string of five shows in two different cities, the members of Dir en grey were back in Tokyo for a group interview and individual appearances in various magazines. Their live performances where growing more and more popular, due mainly to Kyo's renewed intensity.  
>But today, Die was nervous. The interview would be the first since the rag sheet gossip came out.<br>While Rai was blowing up his cell phone, Kaoru was only talking to Die when absolutely necessary. As was Kyo for that matter.  
>The others were offended, he could tell. And he didn't blame them. If the shoe was on the other foot, Die would be too.<br>If anything, getting the cold shoulder from Kaoru and Kyo made his relationship with Mimaru all the better.  
>She backed him up, encouraging him to think everything through and don't act out of guilt.<br>Die smiled. He really loved that woman.  
>Hearing Jun's whimpering, Die tossed aside the blankets before Mimaru could stir. He learned fast that being the one that got up at night with Jun was well worth the rewards later.<br>Smirking sleepily, Die shuffled out of bed and down the hall to his son.  
>Kyo was eternally thankful to Kaoru for the off day before his whirlwind of interviews started.<br>He slept late into the afternoon, waking only when Shinya rang him up to invite him to lunch. "Who else is gonna be there?" Kyo asked, tugging on pants.  
>"Yoshiki and Die. I wanted to show Die we don't hate him." Shinya answered<br>Kyo remained silent for a moment, the mere mention of Die making his blood run hot.  
>"Where are Toshiya and Kaoru?"<br>Shinya rolled his eyes on the other end. "Kaoru said he will try to make it, couldn't get in touch with Toshiya. He isn't with you?"  
>"Just for that, you're buying." Kyo scowled, hanging up on Shinya's laughter.<br>At the restaurant, Yoshiki chuckled at Shinya's antics while Die looked confused. "Have I missed something?" Die asked.  
>"Just the past few years I guess." Shinya said, amazed. "You seriously haven't noticed how they act around each other?"<br>Die shrugged and sipped at his drink. "I haven't known Kyo was gay for long. I don't study men like you Shinya."  
>Shinya scoffed. "You're just jealous I don't study you."<br>The banter between the two continued good naturedly, pausing only when Yoshiki excused himself from the table for an incoming call.  
>They talked idly about the day to day-Die's family, movies that were out, how Shinya was thinking about dying his hair.<br>Die loved moments like this, where they weren't labels. He was beyond relived that Shinya didn't bring up the article. They were just friends, talking about normal stuff, no big deal.  
>That was until Kyo sauntered in, trench coat billowing around him. "Fuck its cold out!" he announced, whisking off his dark shades.<br>Shinya smiled sheepishly to the other patrons, moving his chair to make room. "Sit and shut up, I like this place."  
>After shedding his coat, Kyo sat. "Where's Yoshiki? Aren't you two attached at the hip these days?"<br>"He's around, on the phone. He's got some appearance on tv today so he is busy." Shinya explained, closing his menu.  
>"Busy busy." Kyo mocked lightly. "What's good here? All I see is salads and shit. "He complained, studying his own menu.<br>Die was quiet, keeping to himself. He didn't know if he had a right to talk really. Shame washed over him, huge waves pulling him under.  
>While Shinya talked Kyo through the menu, Die texted his wife.<br>For the second time that day, he was grateful for Mimaru.  
>She was turning into the only person he could really talk to lately.<br>Yoshiki weaved his way back to the table, stopping twice for autographs. He smirked ruefully at Shinya as he sat back with the group.  
>"It still happens."<br>Die laughed. "You surprised?"  
>"I'm just…Yoshiki began. "humbled that people still care."<br>Kyo snorted and took a swig of his water. "Of course they still care! You're fucking Shinya of Dir en grey!"  
>Die roared with laughter, slapping Shinya on the back. "Maybe you should go sign em too, Shin."<br>"Make out with him right now Yoshiki, I promise you will be famous forever!" Kyo added through laughter.  
>Die wiped his eyes. "Oh man. A little tongue will have them talking for a few weeks at least."<br>And just like that, Die and Kyo were talking again.  
>Later that night, Shinya sat at his rarely used kitchen table and watched Yoshiki cook.<br>"Have you always cooked?" he asked, sipping at his wine.  
>Yoshiki appeared at Shinya's doorstep an hour earlier, loaded down with groceries and bottles of wine. He had promised Shinya a delicious meal, complete with dessert.<br>"Not at all." Yoshiki laughed. "I watch a lot of late night cooking shows when I can't sleep. When I see something that looks good, I try to make it. And I keep trying until it taste as good as it looks on tv."  
>"Ever the perfectionist." Shinya chuckled.<br>Yoshiki agreed shamelessly. "Just wait until you taste perfection."  
>"I can't wait. "Shinya said lowly. He rose from the small table, wine glass in hand.<br>He offered Yoshiki his glass, watching him drained it gratefully.  
>"Looks good." Shinya murmured. His gaze didn't fall on the stove, he had eyes for Yoshiki only.<br>"This is a good look on you." Shinya said, tugging on Yoshiki's apron strings. "Very…domestic."  
>Yoshiki had unearthed a striped apron to cover his snow white button down. With his shirt sleeves rolled up and a spoon in hand, Shinya thought Yoshiki looked edible himself.<br>"Is that what you are looking for, more domestic things in your life?" Yoshiki asked, glancing up from his pan.  
>At a lost, Shinya refilled his wineglass. "I'm, ah, sure some changes wouldn't be awful." He stammered.<br>Yoshiki just smiled and held a spoon to Shinya's lips. "Taste."  
>Shinya opened his mouth slowly, letting Yoshiki feed him. The pasta sauce was rich with herbs and garlic, with just enough heat.<br>"Not to spicy?" Yoshiki asked, returning the spoon to its rest.  
>Shinya licked his lips. "It's amazing."<br>Smiling, Yoshiki covered the sauce and turned the burner down. "Why not thank me then?"  
>Pulling Shinya close, Yoshiki brushed his lips against Shinya's own. "I've worked so hard, after all."<br>Lacing his arms around Yoshiki's neck, Shinya sighed happily. "A good chef does deserve thanks."  
>The next day, after another frenzied morning of interviews, Kyo and Kaoru sat alone in Dir en grey's studio place.<br>The pair were pouring over lyrics Kyo wrote, tossing aside the ones that needed further tweaking.  
>"Still haven't finished this one?", Kaoru asked, gesturing to a tattered page.<br>"Not yet." he said. Kyo didn't bother glancing up from his own stack of papers. He knew the song Kaoru was talking about.  
>He had started it months ago, maybe even a full year. What started as a song of love, longed and unreachable, now sat stagnant in Kyo's portfolio.<br>"I like it, I hope to hear it one day." Kaoru encouraged gently.  
>Kyo sat silent, staring at the mess of papers before him, pen in hand.<br>With a shrug, Kaoru opened his nearby laptop.  
>He scowled at the low battery bar. "Fucking Kiko, always using my laptop but never charging it.", he complained mildly.<br>He opened a minimized browser window and blinked in confusion.  
>On his screen were several apartment websites, boasting of balconies, skylights, and the like.<br>"Kiko is looking up apartments." Kaoru stated, clicking around the sites.  
>"You two moving?" Kyo asked, gnawing on his pen.<br>Kaoru shook his head slowly. "I'm not, but apparently she is."  
>"Huh. That's shitty." Kyo said mildly. "Hey what about this? 'The sun drips-"<br>Kyo stopped short at Kaoru's blistering look. "Sorry man. I really am."He said weakly.  
>"I know, I know. Just wondering why it hasn't happened sooner, huh?", Kaoru asked sharply.<br>"Yeah I am! I'm wondering why you haven't kicked her icy ass out before now!" Kyo said grandly. "She treats you like a child, Kaoru."  
>Groaning, Kaoru closed his laptop and rose. "Why can't you ever just, lie?"<br>Kyo shrugged. "Not my style. What are you gonna do now?"  
>"I'm gonna go home and confront her about it, of course!" Kaoru said angrily. He snatched up the incriminating laptop and stormed to the door.<br>"And finish that fucking song already!" Kaoru called out.  
>Kyo sighed and crossed out a line. "Maybe one day."<br>Kaoru pinched the bridge of his nose, trying to will away the pounding in his head. "Shinya, your solo is sounding kind of choppy, tighten up."  
>Taking a breath, he started in. "Die, you're blending into the background so much I can't hear you. Toshiya, one word-flat. Kyo, for the love of God open your mouth. Sounds like you're eating marbles."<br>With a huff, Kaoru slung his guitar back across his chest. "Let's try again." He muttered quickly, avoiding their eyes.  
>Eyes closed, Kaoru plucked the cords of his guitar deftly. Everyone was off today and it was getting under his skin. After his ordeal with Kiko over the weekend, Kaoru was short tempered already.<br>Pick tight between his fingers, Kaoru went over the fight for the tenth time that day…  
>He waited two hours for her to come home, going over every detail in his head. By the time Kiko walked through their front door, Kaoru was seething.<br>It didn't take long for Kaoru to start in, his patience worn thin.  
>"When were you going to tell me?", he asked coolly, leaning against the bar.<br>Kaoru watched the panic snap in Kiko's eyes. "Later" she said evenly, shedding her coat.  
>Laughing gruffly, he pushed himself off the bar to follow Kiko into the living room. "Later huh? How fucking considerate of you Kiko! Did you think I wouldn't find out?"<br>Kiko gaped, clutching her purse to her chest like a shield. "I only just signed the lease last week! I was going to tell you when the timing was right. Moving isn't the end of the world, Kaoru."  
>Kaoru stared at her. "You already signed a lease?"<br>Dropping her purse, Kiko edged closer to Kaoru. "I got a raise last month, I've been saving …" she explained quietly.  
>Suddenly weary, Kaoru plunked down on the sofa. "So let's see. You've been hording money and you signed a lease for a new apartment behind my back. Anything else that I don't know?"<br>Kiko slid into the chair across from Kaoru. "I'm in the process of signing the restaurant lease. "  
>Kaoru started at her, chin cupped in his palm. "Good thing you got a new place to stay then."<br>The rest was a blur of tears and pleas from Kiko, all running together in his head.  
>Now Kaoru worked on throwing every bit of himself into the band and Kiko was staying in her new apartment.<br>Song ending, Kaoru replaced his guitar. "That's enough for today guys. "  
>He watched the other men gather up their things, putting up instruments. He couldn't help but be jealous of them, knowing that they were going home to people that cared about them.<br>Kaoru sighed. Just something to get use too, he thought.  
>As he zipped up his guitar, he noticed Die making his way over.<br>"Hey Kaoru, wanna come over for dinner? Mimaru and I can't go out, so were inviting everyone to our place…"Die asked.  
>Truth was, it was Mimaru's idea to have everyone over. Die wanted to clear the air with his band mates, but didn't want an awkward heart-to-heart with each of them.<br>So Mimaru bought a huge slab of salmon, a few bottles of wine and told Die to make it happen.  
>Kaoru smiled. He admired Die for coming to him like a man after their fight. "Sounds good Die, what time?"<br>Die's dinner went over well. Mimaru's salmon was a huge hit, making her blush with each compliment. She urged the men to eat more, spooning out extra noodles onto their plates. "You guys are too skinny! Eat before you pass out!"  
>The group feigned fullness while they held out their plates, chopsticks at the ready.<br>Jun was passed from lap to lap, making the men laugh at his gurgled talk. Shinya flexed the toddlers arm, pretending to marvel at unseen muscles. "You've got the arms of a drummer!"  
>Kyo and Toshiya stood outside after dinner, smoking in the cold. "I'm stuffed!" Toshiya groaned, stretching his arms skywards. "Die is a lucky guy, getting meals like that all the time."<br>Kyo nodded, shifting from foot to foot to keep warm. "No wonder he has been going to the gym more."  
>Laughing, Toshiya agreed and stubbed his cigarette out on the bottom of his shoe. "Wanna come back to my place and watch a movie?"<br>"Only if I get to pick the movie this time. "Kyo answered, flicking his cigarette butt away.  
>Toshiya brushed his hand down Kyo's back as they walked inside to say their goodbyes. "We will see."<br>In the past week, Kyo found himself sleeping at Toshiya's more often than not. It was innocent enough; a touch that lasted a beat to long, a look that made blood rush. Just innocent enough to drive Kyo crazy.  
>Every night the pair fell asleep on Toshiya's plush couch, legs entwined. And every day Kyo woke up hard as a rock.<br>Kyo knew soon that he would break, just being near Toshiya set him on edge. He couldn't take tip-toeing around the inevitable.  
>Toshiya's touch was burning down his back, making Kyo steel himself against his instinct to turn around and fuck him against the bricks.<br>He wanted to run his hands over that tight little ass, he wanted to lick that arrogant smile right off Toshiya's face, he wanted to-  
>Kyo coughed to cover up the groan he let escape. He<em> needed<em> to get laid.  
>Much to Mimaru's delight, Yoshiki and Shinya took over dish duty after dinner.<br>"I should snap a picture of this! No one is going to believe I had Shinya and Yoshiki do my dishes!", Mimaru beamed.  
>Chuckling, Yoshiki submerged both hands into the hot sudsy water. "If she comes out with a camera you're on your own."<br>Shinya dried the plate Yoshiki handed him, grinning up at the older man. "How brave of you, getting scared off by a mom with a camera!"  
>Yoshiki gave a snort. "It's the tiny ones you got to watch out for. Very crafty."<br>Shaking his head, Shinya continued to dry the dishes Yoshiki handed over until the kitchen was tidy once more.  
>The twosome left soon after, though not before Mimaru secured an autograph from Yoshiki for her 'sister'.<br>The car ride to Shinya's apartment was quiet, but not uncomfortably so.  
>It wasn't until they got inside did Shinya truly noticed the faraway look in Yoshiki's eyes.<br>Stomach clenched, he followed Yoshiki into his own bedroom. "So, what's up?"  
>Deftly, Yoshiki continued to unbutton his shirt. "I have to go to China." he said dully.<br>He had found out just hours before, a frantic phone call from his assistant in LA. A popular band he had his eye on was suddenly without a producer, due to reasons Yoshiki still wasn't sure about.  
>It wasn't a question about if or when. His flight was already booked for late the following day, all that was left was to tell Shinya…<br>He studied Shinya's face carefully as he told him the plan, taking note of the flash of anxiety that flicked through his eyes.  
>"How long do you have to be gone?" Shinya asked softly.<br>Yoshiki pulled Shinya down to sit next to him on the bed. "About two weeks if I pull out all the stops and nothing pops up."  
>Shinya nodded but remained silent. He knew Yoshiki was just trying to pacify him. Two weeks abroad was nothing, they have both done it countless times.<br>"I'll buy you a present." Yoshiki offered, kneading Shinya's shoulder.  
>Shinya smiled and pressed his lips against the bare skin of Yoshiki's arm. "Mm, maybe you can give me a present now?"<br>Yoshiki laughed. "So greedy!"  
>Laughter was quickly cut short as Yoshiki claimed Shinya's lips with his own. Shinya sighed contently into the kiss and lazily wrapped his arms around Yoshiki's neck. He smiled dreamily at the ceiling as Yoshiki kissed along his neck, nipping at his collarbones.<br>"You have amazing collarbones.", Yoshiki said, breath hot against Shinya's neck.  
>He pulled Shinya's V-neck shirt off in a flash, pausing briefly to stare down at the man before him.<br>Shinya's cheeks were flushed, his eyes shining brightly up at him. He was making quick work of freeing himself of his jeans. "Collarbones huh? You can't find anything else on me that's amazing?"  
>Yoshiki unbuckled his own pants, stepping out of them as soon as they hit the floor. "Oh I'm not done looking." he said huskily.<br>Shinya shivered and closed his eyes. "Well by all means, keep going."  
>Yoshiki's rough hands roamed over his bare chest, teasing his nipples with the faintest bite of his fingernails. His hand dipped lower, dancing over Shinya's ribs.<br>His skin felt electrified under Yoshiki's touch, every nerve alive and begging for more.  
>Shinya opened his eyes to slits to watch Yoshiki pepper kisses alongside his bellybutton.<br>He cried out as Yoshiki finally, mercifully, took his length into his mouth.  
>Yoshiki moved slowly, dragging his tongue over pulsing veins, sucking hard at the sensitive head.<br>Propping himself up on his elbows, Shinya tensed as Yoshiki made eye contact with him. "Yoshiki.", he pleaded.  
>Yoshiki sat up and pressed his lips against Shinya's forehead. "Lay down.", he purred.<br>Shinya complied, running his hands over Yoshiki's toned arms. Yoshiki stretched across Shinya to rummage in the bedside drawer, pulling out a small bottle. Shinya brushed sloppy kisses over Yoshiki's chest, flicking his tongue out to taste the salt of Yoshiki's skin.  
>Squeezing a generous amount of the lube in his hand, Yoshiki slicked the gel over his fingers. "Are you going to miss me?", he asked with a smile.<br>He worked one long finger into Shinya, pumping his own member with his free hand.  
>Shinya nodded his head feverishly, gasping out when Yoshiki slipped another finger inside him. He snaked his hand down to his length, only to get it smacked away by Yoshiki.<br>"You want me inside you?" Yoshiki asked, breathless. Shinya started to nod again but stopped short with a gasp as Yoshiki plunged his fingers deeper.  
>"Say it.", Yoshiki demanded. He needed to hear it out loud, needed to have more.<br>"Yes, please Yoshiki!", Shinya begged, knotting the bedspread in his fist.  
>With a groan, Yoshiki slipped his fingers out of Shinya's body. Leaning down, he kissed Shinya roughly, hoping his unspoken words filled Shinya's mouth.<br>As they kissed Yoshiki slowly worked himself into Shinya, hissing as the intense heat surrounded him. He didn't stop moving until every inch of him was buried inside Shinya.  
>"Ok?', he asked, breath catching. Shinya nodded, willing his body to relax and accept Yoshiki. "Move, keep moving."<br>Shinya wrapped his leg around Yoshiki's slick waist, pulling himself closer. He gripped Yoshiki's taut forearms, leaving half-moon nail marks in his wake.  
>Yoshiki quickened his pace, drawing himself out of Shinya's tight heat only to slam back in.<br>More, he need more.  
>He reached between their bodies and grabbed Shinya's sex, pumping it erratically. "Remember this Shinya." Yoshiki demanded.<br>Leaning forward, Shinya caught Yoshiki lips with his own, kissing him roughly. Pulling away, he moaned Yoshiki's name, breath hot against his lips. "Always Yoshiki.", Shinya promised.  
>Vision blurred white, Yoshiki recaptured Shinya's lips as he came. Shinya shuttered, clutching at his lover as he finished hotly in Yoshiki's hand.<br>Slowly, Yoshiki eased himself out of Shinya's quivering body and lay down beside him. "Think that can sustain you for a few weeks?"  
>With a chuckle, Shinya kissed Yoshiki's redden lips. "No, but it might help."<br>Nodding his agreement, Yoshiki groaned as he sat up and padded towards the bathroom. "Meet me in the shower for some more 'help'?"  
>Grinning, Shinya rushed to follow Yoshiki, catching the bathroom door before it closed. "I aim to please!"<br>Later the next day, Shinya stood solemnly in the busy airport, watching as Yoshiki's plane disappeared behind a wall of clouds.  
>He sighed and turned from the large window, winding his way back outside to where Kaoru waited.<br>Kaoru smiled at his friend and clasped him on the back affectingly. "Just a few weeks."  
>Shinya nodded, staring at the bank of taxis in front of him. His lips still tingled from Yoshiki's goodbye kiss, his scent still lingered on Shinya's rumbled shirt. "So I hear."<br>Laughing quietly, Kaoru flicked his dying cigarette into a trash strewn puddle. "Just think of it as time to sort out your feelings and reflect."  
>Shinya followed Kaoru to one of the waiting cabs, sliding onto the faded leather seats. Did he really need to 'sort out' his feelings towards Yoshiki?<br>He voiced his thoughts to Kaoru, brows knitted together.  
>Kaoru shrugged and fiddled with his cell phone. "Don't stress yourself out more Shinya! Just use this time to your advantage, or try."<br>"Couldn't hurt I guess.", Shinya muttered, unconvinced.  
>Leaning back, Kaoru sighed as he slipped on his headphones. "A couple of weeks to think will do you good."<p> 


	5. Chapter 5

Kyo groaned as he dumped yet another armload of clothes onto Toshiya's bed. "I never realized how many clothes I had."  
>Grinning, Toshiya plucked a shirt off the growing pile and studied it. "I think this one could be lost."<br>Snatching the offending shirt away, Kyo tossed it aside. "Hey, Mickey Mouse is a classic."  
>"Not in this house!" Toshiya said happily.<br>After weeks of shuttling back and forth to Toshiya's apartment, Kyo announced to Toshiya he was going to bring some things over. The very next day Kyo showed up with a trio of mover's behind him, laden down with boxes.  
>Toshiya simply shrugged his shoulders and propped the door open wide, calling out orders as he lead the way to his bedroom.<br>Kyo knew it was a risk, but he figured he would just go buy a better place if Toshiya turned him down. When Toshiya didn't, Kyo put his apartment up for sale.  
>"What are you going to do with the cast offs?", Toshiya asked, gesturing to the pile of clothes on the floor.<br>Kyo studied the clothes before flopping down beside Toshiya. "Dunno. Maybe we can have some sort of giveaway and the prize can be a handful of my old clothes."  
>Toshiya laughed and leaned against the wood of the headboard. "Or start your own charity. 'Kyo's Rags' has a nice ring to it."<br>Grinning, Kyo curled up to Toshiya's side, resting his head on his chest. "I was thinking something more flashy like 'Bottom of Kyo's Closet…valley."  
>Toshiya snorted. "Don't use all your creativity on one name now, we need it in the studio."<br>"Yes Kaoru!" Kyo said stiffly, saluting Toshiya.  
>The resulting smack on the head just made Kyo smile more.<br>The first week after Yoshiki left, Shinya found himself staring at the door waiting for him to stride in with an easy smile and cell phone glued to his ear.  
>But one week quickly turned to two, and then three turned to four, now the fifth week was here and Shinya was still watching the door.<br>He let out a quiet sigh and rolled his sore shoulders, wincing at tight pull of muscle. He reminded himself that he was lucky to have so much to keep busy with, at least.  
>Die and Kyo, with Kaoru supervising for Yoshiki, were in the beginning stages of planning a new single. Kaoru wasn't sold on the idea just yet, but Shinya knew he wasn't dumb enough to squash their enthusiasm when it so fragile.<br>After Die started preforming as guest guitarist for Beyond Earth it was like some untapped creative channel burst inside of him. Every other day he would bring Kyo a clutch of lyrics, ink spattered from his rush to get them written.  
>Shinya would listen intently to his ideas, soaking up his renewed energy.<br>Practice lasted longer, but no one complained. There was a spark in the air when they picked over the new songs. Everyone played a little louder, a little cleaner.  
>Kyo's voice cut through the air like a razor, making even the jaded studio hands stop to listen. When practice finally did end they would all just grin at each other.<br>It was a great time to be Dir en grey.  
>Saying goodbye to his friends, Shinya walked out to his car with a spring in his step. After a session like that the night would be perfect if only…<br>Frowning, he unlocked his car and dug his cell phone from his jacket pocket.  
>Cranking up the heat, Shinya called Yoshiki with the press of a button. Four long rings later, Shinya was greeted with a slow piano riff. Closing his eyes, he leaned back into his seat and let himself be wooed from thousands of miles away.<br>"I call it 'Victory Blues'.", Yoshiki murmured at last.  
>"Mm. Isn't that a little bit contradictory?"<br>Yoshiki laughed, making Shinya bite back a groan. His voice was like velvet surrounding him, enticing.  
>"Maybe so. I signed the last of the papers with Pulse of a Million today."<br>Shinya beamed. "That's great! Why the blues then?"  
>"It might be another week until I can make it back to Japan. I got some loose ends to tie up with the band on my end here, and then I got an appearance this weekend for Kawai for their new line of pianos. I'm looking to fly out next Monday."<br>Shinya sighed and nodded his head knowingly. "It's ok, I'm just happy you got the band signed finally. That's what matters."  
>"No, it doesn't, but I'm trying to get back as fast as I can. That's what matters.", Yoshiki said, exhaling loudly.<br>Shinya agreed. "Now how about you play for me again?"  
>He sat alone in his car, letting Yoshiki's dramatic playing fill his head.<p>

Kaoru sat on the overstuffed couch in the tiny lounge of the TV station he and the others were interviewing with. After their 'lull' he was grateful for any and all interviews they could get, but he was truly excited for this one as group interviews were starting to be harder to pull off.  
>It didn't hurt that they were announcing a special block of shows at the ever popular Zepp Tokyo to test run some of their new songs.<br>Tapping his foot against the chair, Kaoru flicked through a magazine listlessly. He froze a few pages in at the mention of his name.  
>In the short blurb were the details of his separation with Kiko, along with gossip of his new love affairs. He studied the pictures of the women he was supposedly already dating before passing the magazine around for comments.<br>"I think you could do a lot better than this chick Kaoru." Toshiya laughed, tossing it to Shinya.  
>Shinya clucked his tongue. "She's not that bad…a little to 'bookish' for you though."<br>"Don't worry Kaoru, I'll tell Mimaru to let all her single mom friends you're looking for love again." Die reassured.  
>"There you go Kaoru, you can be a step dad! Try to buy the love of some kid that will always resent you for replacing their precious daddy." Kyo said, glancing up from his own magazine.<br>Kaoru laughed and shook his head. "No thanks. I think I'm gonna be doing the single thing for a while."  
>Though it stung, Kaoru knew it was the way to go for now. Kiko tried halfheartedly to make things right with Kaoru, until he asked her to leave her expensive new apartment and come home. The next day when Kaoru returned home the rest of her clothes were missing from the closet.<br>Kaoru took it as a final goodbye and called his lawyer to begin the separation process.  
>He snapped to attention when a haggard intern called them for a few retakes of their interview.<br>Kaoru fell behind his friends, listening to their chatter with a smile. Out with the old…  
>Sound checks were always tedious, but when they played Zepp Tokyo Kyo found he didn't mind as much. The prestigious venue was well worth the extra time and attention to detail. To have a guitar out of tune or a microphone go out would be a disgrace for them and the concert hall both.<br>Taking a gulp from his bottle of water, Kyo turned to watch his new roommate. Toshiya stood like a hawk watching a studio hand tune each bass.  
>Grabbing up another bottle of water, Kyo strode across the familiar stage to the man. "Wouldn't an auto-tuner be easier?"<br>Toshiya scowled and snatched the offered bottle from Kyo. "Spoken like a true vocalist."  
>Kyo grinned. "Think you can take a break from supervising for a minute?"<br>Toshiya glanced around. Kaoru and Die were at the far end of the stage, heads bowed over their guitars, Shinya was discreetly trying to text while perched behind his massive drum set.  
>He returned Kyo's grin slowly. "I can slip away."<br>They met in an unlocked storage closet, a tiny space crammed with microphone stands and cases of light bulbs.  
>Toshiya smiled ruefully as Kyo nudged the door shut. "How did you know it would be unlocked, you use this closet before?"<br>Not answering, Kyo buried his face into Toshiya neck, running his hands over Toshiya's warm back, drawing a sigh from the other.  
>Toshiya rubbed his cheek across Kyo's scratchy hair, breathing in the scent of his own shampoo. "Anything wrong?" he asked after a beat, breath warm against Kyo's ear.<br>Kyo shrugged, hair tickling Toshiya's nose. "Just wanted a little human contact before I sing about death and corruption for hours."  
>Touched, Toshiya planted a kiss into Kyo's hair. "Take all the human contact you need."<br>Kyo inhaled deeply and pulled back. "I'm good, for now." he said with a grin. "I think later I'm going to need a lot more though."  
>Snagging Kyo's hand in his own, Toshiya squeezed it hard. "I'll be there."<br>Hours later, after the fans screams were just the nights headache, the men of Dir en grey made their way back to their nearby hotel. Usually the group tossed around ideas and thoughts with an edge of desperation, desperate to keep the train going.  
>What made that night's show so explosive, how they could repeat that again. And again and again.<br>But tonight they were calm; if minds were worried it wasn't voiced.  
>They sat on a tiny balcony that hung precariously over a traffic-clogged street. Die's lanky frame filled the one rickety chair, guitar cradled awkwardly in his lap. He thumbed out the beginning of some unnamed song, nodding his head to beat Shinya tapped out on the chair's leg.<br>Kaoru sat cross-legged on the baloney's dirty floor, tossing a suggestion to Die here and there.  
>Kyo and Toshiya sat in the open doorway, knees pressed tightly against each other. A shared pair of headphones stretched taut between the men, a slim mp3 player lay hidden among their socked feet.<br>Beers and cigarettes were passed around as freely as the insults and slick compliments. Sudden burst of laughter made heads turn floors below them. Conversation was easy, the years between them filling the silence.  
>The night eased by unnoticed, the lightening sky coming as a surprise to all. They departed without ceremony, a wave of the hand and promises to meet for lunch the next day.<br>With the room to themselves, Kyo shed the ripped jeans he still wore and slid into the small bed were Toshiya already laid.  
>In the grey dawn of early morning, with the steady rhythm of Toshiya's heartbeat under his ear and his friend's conversations in the head, Kyo let his worry wash over him.<br>He knew that if the band ended and the music stopped, life would go on. But if he couldn't do this anymore, he wouldn't survive.  
>The show the next day ended their run at Zepp.<br>They waited backstage for the perfect moment to appear. The crowd was frenzied, chanting their names. The floor was packed, bodies swarmed together in a sea of movement.  
>Taking a last pull of his water, Kyo nudged Shinya sharply and gestured behind the drummer. "Yoshiki.", he yelled over the fans shrieks.<br>Shinya turned around and all made sense again.  
>Amongst the chaos of backstage there stood Yoshiki, tucking his ever-present sunglasses away neatly in his shirt pocket. He smiled ruefully and raked his hand through his hair.<br>Grinning, Shinya let himself be pulled in, not stopping until he was standing in front of Yoshiki.  
>His slate grey shirt was rumpled from travel and his eyes were a bit puffy, but he was there.<br>Heart in his throat, Shinya reached down and linked his fingers with Yoshiki's own.  
>There would be time for more later, for caresses that lasted all night, for embarrassing displays of sappiness , but all that mattered right now was that Yoshiki was back, early even, and just in the nick of time to watch him play.<br>As if reading his thoughts, Yoshiki brought their enjoined hands to his lips and kissed his knuckles. "I'll be here."  
>He knew he should be nervous, his idol and now lover? Boyfriend? He still wasn't too clear, was going to watch him perform live for the first time in years, but he wasn't.<br>Flashing Yoshiki a final grin, Shinya lined up with his band mates near the small flight of stairs that lead to the stage. Instead of any extra nervousness, he was giddy.  
>Clasping Toshiya on the back with his gloved hand, Shinya laughed aloud. "Ready?", he asked brightly.<br>Toshiya smirked and poked Shinya's smiling cheeks but remained quiet as he turned back around. He was ready for a lot of things, but mostly he was ready for the night to be over and for Kyo to be wrapped back around him.  
>On the other side of the curtain the lights darkened and the screams grew to a fever pitch. A rushed stagehand shot them a thumbs-up and it was time to move.<br>Glancing behind him, Kaoru shouted enthusiastically as he hurried up the steps.  
>Kyo punched the air and joined in the shouting, hopping after Kaoru.<br>Die laughed and shook his head, waving his thanks to the clapping stagehands.  
>Linking arms with Shinya, Toshiya trailed behind the others. He winked at an amused Yoshiki and patted Shinya's hand. "Let's do this eh? Got things to do!"<br>Up front, Kyo took a deep breath, hesitating for a beat before he followed Kaoru on stage. The screams were deafening now, the crowd hidden still.  
>The others passed him, walking over the threshold and onto the stage easily. It was second nature for them now. Maybe it always has been. They made their way to their beloved instruments, sticks and picks a mere extension of their selves.<br>Yoshiki appeared by his side, a whiff of expensive cologne and jingle of coins he raddled in the pocket of his dark jeans.  
>"Their waiting for you." he said.<br>He didn't know if Yoshiki was talking about the audience, the rest of the band, or a single band. So he nodded and took a step. Another. Until he was in view of them all.  
>Screams of his own name assaulted him, making his step lighter and his head full.<br>Kyo strode to the waiting microphone stand, a beacon calling him in. Toshiya inched closer, guarding Kyo from himself he was sure. A look of warning went unneeded, but went straight to his heart instead.  
>Warmth washed over him as he turned to the crowd.<br>Microphone in hand and spotlight in his eyes, Kyo smiled.  
>And the crowd went wild.<p> 


End file.
